humour

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain . . .

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and, gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven;
blessed are the meek;
blessed are they that mourn;
blessed are the merciful;
blessed are they that thirst for justice;
blessed are you when persecuted;
blessed are you when you suffer;
be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.
Then Simon Peter said, ‘Are we supposed to know this?’
And Andrew said, “Do we have to write this down?’
And James said, ‘Will we have a test on this?’
And Phillip said, ‘I don’t have any paper.’
And John said, ‘The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.’
And Matthew said, ‘Can I go to the toilet?’
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’s lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, ‘Where is your statement of objectives?’
And Jesus wept.

btw
I always wonder about the “Blessed are the meek: for they will inherit the earth” line. Even if the meek do inherit the earth, how long do they think they’re going to be able to hang on to it for?
#justsayin

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Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around him

Think I may have posted this before, but I was reminded of it by a colleague again recently – it’s an oldie but a goodie:

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around him

He taught them saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they that thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when you are persecuted.
Blessed are you when you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.”

And James said “are we supposed to know this?”
And Simon Peter said “will we have a test on this?”
And Phillip said “I don’t have any paper.”
And Bartholomew said “do we have to spell correctly?”
And Mark said “do we have to hand this in?”
And John said “the other disciples didn’t have to learn this.”
And Matthew said “may I go to the toilet?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan
and inquired of Jesus:
“Where are your learning and assessment objectives?
What range of teaching strategies did you draw from?
Did you provide a differentiated provision?
Can I see a cross section of pupils work?

And Jesus wept.

If Microsoft made Cars

Pulled this down from the internet some time ago – I’m sure it’s been updated many times since if you feel the urge to search:

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
    For some reason you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads
  6. The oil, water, temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation!”  warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Science and Religion with Mr. Diety

Pretty much self-explanatory.
This one is about the somewhat tricky concept of how to create both matter and time.

Mind you I’m not sure Science is doing much better at an explanation, but we tend to hide that little fact behind a barrage of highly technical and long-winded sentences so it’s not so obvious.

And then there’s the wonderful Michael Shermer – skeptic extraordinaire – appearing rather sheepish when he realises that backed the wrong horse:

Check out the related videos on the side panel.

And now for something completely different:

Out of the mouths of babes . . .

These are doing the rounds on the email circuit (thanks Ciaran).
Wonderful, yet terribly sad in that we associate these silly answers with young ‘uns, probably because older students have had this lateral thinking ‘educated’ out of them.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

 TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
 GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . .. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right . . . ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe?

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: It’s the same dog.

 TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Which reminds me of the Ken Robinson talk.
A teacher is watching a six-year old draw and asks what she is drawing. “God”, the kid says.
“But nobody knows what God looks like”.
Kid replies: “they will in a minute”.

Robinson has just published a book on the topic of education and creativity entitled The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything.

He was interviewed in yesterday’s Guardian:

We put too high a premium on knowing the “single right answer”, Robinson claims. But he says he is not in principle opposed to standardised tests, such as Sats. Used in the right way, they can provide essential data to support and improve education. The problem comes when these tests become more than simply a tool of education and turn into the focus of it, he argues.